I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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