The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
