I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
