After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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