My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
