A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
