You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
