i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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