She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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