we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
