Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
