fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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