You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
