What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
