I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
