I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
