Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
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