Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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