If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
