my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
