You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
