Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
