Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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