I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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