I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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