no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
