im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
