I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
