Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
