I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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