yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
