VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
