I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
