I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
