went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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