She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
