I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
