Pappa wants mamma naked
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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