I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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