Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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