First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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