I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
