ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
