I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
It's Friday. Sex?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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