I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
