Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
