Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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