Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
