Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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