apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
