I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
