if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
